User blog:Awesomesix/Total Drama ERB: Rizachulous Race S1E05: - Pain Olympics
In the newest episode of Total Drama ERB: Rizachulous Race, the contestants answer one of life's most important questions- why are riddles even a thing anymore? Some secrets are revealed, intelligence determines the field, and chariots are wheeled, some become allies, some threaten the others very violently, and in the end, one team goes home. Who is it? Well, read up to find out! Episode *The camera shows Sherwin in a Greek theater, wearing a toga, a chariot with Socrates behind him, feeding a horse.* Zach Sherwin: Last time on the Rizachulous Race… Our sixteen teams kicked back and relaxed in China! *Gorgo kicking Sun Tzu in the crotch is shown.* Zach Sherwin: There was a lot of action, but the most came around when four teams were stuck with a penalty! *Capone, Blackbeard, Bonnie, Clyde, Adam, Eve, and Watson by the Safety Napkin with Zach are shown.* Zach Sherwin: And just when it looked bad for the Puppy Love… *The scene in which Romeo and Juliet walk up to the Safety Napkin while Watson holds Sherlock is shown.* Zach Sherwin: They landed 12th, and a mad dash to the napkin left Bonnie and Clyde almost going home… *Clyde getting kicked in the face by Juliet, being swung around by Romeo, is shown.* Zach Sherwin: In the end, however, the prize of no prize went to Adam and Eve instead. Shocker, right? *Sun dragging Adam and Eve to a helicopter is shown.* Zach Sherwin: Now, with fifteen teams, one of them is going to face elimination, and possibly humiliation, in a very Socratic episode of… The Rizachulous Race! *Zach begins to narrate as the camera shows three planes in three different places; one in the air, one taking off, and one waiting.* Zach Sherwin (narration): Today on Flight A, the Magicians, Barbarians, Cunning, Scientists, and Failing Marriage. Flight B houses the Queens, Extremists, Generation Gap, Wyld Stallyns, and Alter Egos! Flight C contains the Hosts, Puppy Love, Detectives, Criminals, and Rebels. Flight A took off fifteen minutes ago; flight B just now, flight C has a fifteen minute wait. Let’s go see our anxious landlubbers now! *The camera cuts to Flight C, with all teams except for Romeo/Juliet and Sherlock/Watson in the back glaring, Bonnie and Clyde on the left side from the front backwards, Blackbeard and Capone on their right right, and Oprah and Ellen behind Blackbeard and Capone.* Al Capone: So, you really think Watson did that stuff intentionally? Clyde Barrow: No duh, dude! He’s not as dumb as he seems! Blackbeard: Or he’s so stupid, it works. Bonnie Parker: And Romeo and Juliet… *gagging noise* (Confessional) Bonnie and Clyde *Bonnie sits on the left, scowling. Clyde sits on the right, smiling tired.* Bonnie Parker: Romeo and Juliet shoulda gone last episode! Not Adam and Eve! Clyde Barrow: Yep, missus. Bonnie Parker: They’s about the worst couple out there! Clyde Barrow: Yep, missus. Bonnie Parker: Oh, those kids don’t know love! They just think ''they do? Ain’t that right, Clyde? ''*Bonnie glares over at Clyde, who sweats nervously.* Clyde Barrow: Yep, missus. Bonnie Parker: Thank you. END CONFESSIONAL *Romeo walks to the back to use the bathroom, and as he passed the five conspiring contestants and Ellen, Clyde stands up in his way.* Romeo: Pardon me, sir, I need to use the bathroom. Clyde Barrow: What’s it to ya? Romeo: I… just need to use the restroom. Clyde Barrow: Well, ya shoulda gone before hand. Romeo: Sorry, but there was no other chance. Now please, let me through, I mean no trouble. Clyde Barrow: Sure… *Romeo walks over to the bathroom, Clyde glaring at him, and shuts the door. Quietly, Clyde takes a food cart and jams the handle from the outside, using his belt to tie it to the cart as well* Clyde Barrow: That was too easy. Oprah Winfrey: So, we all want to get rid of Romeo and Juliet, right? Blackbeard: And Sherlock and Watson, argh! Clyde Barrow: Yep! Oprah Winfrey: So, why not make an alliance? *Bonnie, Clyde, Capone and Blackbeard all rub their hands together deviously. Ellen gets scared, Oprah looking intrigued. She continues her offer.* Oprah Winfrey: Let’s say we get rid of them. Should we go for others, or just disband our group? Al Capone: Oh, we should go for other teams, all right. We could filter out all the strong teams, leaving us only the weaklings. Ya know, aside from Romeo and Juliet, of course. Oprah Winfrey: I like where this is going. Bonnie Parker: Let’s see… that’s the skirt man and wig guy, robe and shirtless guy, white dress and bead hair, and… Al Capone: Maybe we should try and ally with Cleo… heh… *The other teams sans Ellen glare at Capone, who scratches his neck nervously.* Al Capone: Never mind… Clyde Barrow: Let’s assign teams… naturally, we’ll go after Blowmeo and Fooliet… Oprah, you guys get the tea dorks… and Capone, you guys go after Cleo. Agreed? Al Capone: Uh… *Blackbeard pops over Capone’s shoulder and interrupts him.* Blackbeard: Deal. Clyde Barrow: It’s set in stone, then. Let’s shake on it. *Clyde and Bonnie shake hands with Capone and Blackbeard, then the other, and all four shake with Oprah. Ellen watches in horror.* Bonnie Parker: Ellen, ya gotta shake… Ellen DeGeneres: Uh… *Oprah grabs Ellen’s hand and forces her to shake hands with everyone. Suddenly, Romeo is heard banging his fists on the bathroom door.* Romeo: This isn’t funny! *Bonnie, Clyde, Capone, and Blackbeard are all heard laughing. Juliet marches by them, but Clyde grabs her arm before she can pass.* Clyde Barrow: And where do ya think you’re goin’, missie? Juliet: Let go of me, creep! I'm off to help my husband! Bonnie Parker: Your "husband"? What're you, ten? You’re on the wrong plane, little girl. Have fun losing the challenge today, cause we’re gonna kick your little rich butts. *Juliet tugs at her arm, but Clyde squeezes it tighter. Juliet looks enraged.* Juliet: Let go of me, or else! Clyde Barrow: Or else what, ya toddler? Juliet: Or else this! *Juliet twists her leg up and knees Clyde hard in the face, then flicks her foot out and kicks Bonnie. Clyde lets go, and she runs to help Romeo, who breaks the bathroom handle and frees himself. The two run and hug each other.* Romeo: I heard a problem and tried to help, Juliet, but alas, I was useless! Juliet: Oh, Romeo, you were not useless! You were trapped, and could not help! If you were there, you would most certainly be useful! *Romeo carries Juliet past the four teams, face turned upwards.* Romeo: I bite my thumbs at you, you fools! You will rue this day! Clyde Barrow: I ain’t no fool! *Romeo keeps walking as Clyde stands up, only for his beltless pants to fall. The camera switches to flight B, where Bruce Lee is ramming the food cart into the back of the plane, Clint trying to calm him, as most of the other teams watch in horror.* Bruce Lee: This is UNBELIEVABLE! Clint Eastwood: Calm down, Bruce! Bruce Lee: No! *Bruce lifts the cart over his head and throws it at the other teams, who scramble away.* Bruce Lee: I am going to kill everyone! Clint Eastwood: Dude, take it slow, nice, long breaths! *Bruce Lee breaks a chair, and starts to rip the cushioning with his teeth. Clint tries to take it from him, but he growls.* Clint Eastwood (to off camera): Don’t worry, guys! Everything is alright! Bruce Lee: No, it is NOT! *Bruce chucks the seat down the aisle, causing Cleopatra to scream. The camera cuts to her sitting in a seat on the left from the front, grabbing her leg in pain, as Monroe looks out the window nervously. Bill and Ted are across from them, huddling under their seats whilst sucking their thumbs.* Cleopatra: *Breathing through closed teeth* ''What’s his problem? Marilyn Monroe: He’s a sore loser! ''*Monroe ducks as a tray comes hurdling at her, undoubtedly from Lee.* Bill: Save yourselves! Jackie Chan's mad! Ted: Like, to the cockpit! We gotta warn the captain! *Bill and Ted run to the front before Bill trips on Bieber’s leg, scaring Bieber.* Justin Bieber: Dude, watch it! Ted: I’m so scared, man, sorry! Beethoven: Why? It was your friend who tripped. Bill: Yeah, Ted, watch yourself! Ted: I said I was sorry! *Beethoven and Bieber look at each other confused just as Bill and Ted jump out of the aisle into the seats across from them. A beaten up piano rolls by, and Beethoven gets up, yelling sadly on his knees, arms in the sky.* Beethoven: My piano! Wh-hy? *Beethoven hits his head down on his piano, slamming the keys, and cries. Bieber watches awkwardly. Miley walks by, carrying a tray with water on it.* Miley Cyrus: Like, whatever? *The camera cuts to flight A, where Julius is shown on the left side from the front sipping lemonade from a glass, wearing shades, Zulu reading a book about strategy.* Julius Caesar (to camera): Ah… nothing like first class. Shaka Zulu: Uh, we’re not in first class… Julius Caesar: We’re in the first flight, yes? Shaka Zulu: Yes… Julius Caesar: And, we are classy, right? Shaka Zulu: Sure. Julius Caesar: Ex-actly. *The camera pans to Washington and Wallace, snoring loudly, then Copperfield and Houdini, meditating quietly. Third, it shows Leonidas, looking down at his hands, and Gorgo staring out the window angrily.* Leonidas: I’m sorry… Gorgo: Sure you are, you jerk. Leonidas: I don’t even know what I did? Gorgo: You really don’t? It happened, like, a week ago. Leonidas: That old already, huh? Gorgo: That’s still recent. Leonidas: Not really… a week is like, 8 days. Gorgo: Whatever. You’re still an idiot, Leonidas. Leonidas: Just tell me what I did! Maybe I could do something, then! I’ll say I was wrong if you tell me! Gorgo: Why should I have to remind you of your stupid mistakes? *Leonidas groans in anger as Jamie and Adam pass by, pulling a food cart with various junk on it. The cart’s contents go flying everywhere as the plane descends to land.* Adam Savage: No! Not my invention! Jamie Hyneman: Oh dear. *The plane lands and the five teams run out, Copperfield and Houdini in the lead, followed by Caesar and Zulu, Washington and Wallace, Adam and Jamie, and Leonidas and Gorgo. The five hop into marked taxis which lead them to their first challenge in the Greek theater. Houdini and Copperfield get the Suggestion Card and walk off as Zulu hits the button.* Julius Caesar: “Sarcastic Seminar”... Solo battle. The teammate who did not fight Sun must answer a riddle from Socrates. Sounds easy, right? Shaka Zulu: What can a small riddle do? *The three teams behind them all grab a tip and walk on stage, where Socrates clears his throat. Zulu walks up to him, confident in himself.* Socrates: Five pirates have found one hundred gold coins. To split it, one person must propose a plan, and at least 50% of the group must agree. If the majority disagrees, they are killed. Shaka Zulu: It’s clearly a man. Crawling on fours, walking on twos, using a cane for three… Socrates: Wrong! Go the back of the line! *Zulu walks away angrily as Jamie steps to Socrates.* Socrates: Alright, Five pirates have found one hundre- Jamie Hyneman (to Socrates): The second-to-last pirate gets the money no matter what. *Socrates watches shocked as Jamie and Adam walk off, shocking the four remaining contestants, sans Houdini, who walks up next and answers it right, walking to the next challenge. Leonidas looks around nervously, as it’s his turn.* Socrates: Five pirates have found one hundred gold coins. To split it, one person must propose a plan, and at least 50% of the group must agree. If the majority disagrees, they are killed. Who ends up with their plan succeeding? Leonidas: Uh… uh… uh… *Gorgo facepalms.* Leonidas: The first one, cause he’s the captain, and they have to agree with him! Socrates: There is no stated captain. Leonidas: But there has to be someone in charge! Socrates: Next! *Leonidas walks off ashamed as Wallace walks up and prepares to answer.* Socrates: Five pirates have found one hundred gold coins. To split it, one person must propose a plan, and at least 50% of the group must agree. If the majority disagrees, they are killed. Who ends up with their plan succeeding? William Wallace: The captain, o course! Socrates: Wrong! Next! William Wallace: Excuse me? Leonidas: See, dude! There should be a captain! *Gorgo rolls her eyes, sitting in the theater seats, as the camera shows flight B landing. Bill, Ted, Miley, Joan, Beethoven, Bieber, Cleo and Monroe all run as Bruce Lee throws things, Eastwood right behind him. The four teams hop in taxis, pull up, hit the button and run away as Bruce kicks the box, several Suggestion cards flying out. Eastwood picks one up and read it.* Clint Eastwood: Your turn, Lee. Bruce Lee: What do I have to do? Clint Eastwood: Answer a riddle, dude. Super simple. Bruce Lee: Oh, a mental challenge in a physical competition? How ridiculous! *Bruce picks up and throws the suggestion box, causing it to burst, spilling Suggestions everywhere. Lee rips them all in half.* Clint Eastwood: Just go on stage, Lee… this shouldn’t be too hard. *Lee marches off, Clint going down in the theater seats, next to Cleopatra on his left and Ted on his right.* Cleopatra: Dude, what’s your teammate’s problem? Clint Eastwood: Bruce Lee doesn’t like losing… Cleopatra: No duh! He could’ve destroyed the plane if he had the time! Ted: He’s such a good sport! Cleopatra: Don’t you mean sore sport? Ted: Isn’t that like, an infection, or something? Clint Eastwood: Don’t bother with him, Cleo. He's an idiot. Ted: Why thanks, dude! Julius Caesar: Indeed, Cleo. Don't bother with such simpletons... they waste your magnificent mind's abilities. *Cleo turns to her left as the camera zooms to show Caesar, who scooted next to Cleo while she was talking to Clint. She gets nervous immediately.* Cleopatra: W-whaddya want? Julius Caesar: Oh, nothing, really… just a small alliance is all. Cleopatra: N-no… no thanks… I'm fine... Julius Caesar: Oh, darling, I know you’re trying to forget me. I had you in too bad… you thought it would help if we split up… well, look at yourself, you’re a flustered mess who can’t admit her mistakes. Perhaps we can make amends and you can relax for a change? Cleopatra: I… *Caesar grabs her hand, lifting it to his face, and kisses her hand. She giggles nervously and closes her eyes to think, then hesitantly spits out an answer.* Cleopatra: Yes… Julius Caesar: I’m glad we can come to an agreement, Cleopatra. I’ll inform Monroe eventually. *Caesar walks off calmly, Cleopatra resting her face in her hands. Ted walks over to her.* Ted: What’s wrong? Cleopatra: I’m screwed… Ted: Woah… nice, man! When’s it due? *Cleopatra cries as Bill screams in joy. Ted looks up at the stage as Bill cheers. Socrates looks completely confused.* Bill: I got it, dude! Let’s go! (Confessional): Bill and Ted: *Bill sits on the left, smiling a huge, dorky smile, and Ted on the right, baffled.* Bill: I can’t believe I did that! Ted: How on earth did you get that riddle right? Aren’t you, like, bad at questions? Bill: I did what I do best! Ted: Air guitar? Bill: Guess! Ted: Didn’t you, like, fail half of your classes cause of that? Bill: I mean, I guess so… END CONFESSIONAL *Monroe waves Cleopatra on after winning the challenge, Cleopatra looking up with red eyes. The camera cuts to show the final plane landing, and Romeo running out carrying Juliet, Watson carrying Sherlock under his arm like a box, Oprah, Ellen, Bonnie, Clyde, Capone, and Blackbeard running as a group together. After getting on taxis and arriving, Romeo and Juliet reach the Suggestion box mess, worried.* Romeo: Who could’ve done this? *Romeo and the camera both look as Bruce screams for getting the question wrong and walks to the back, Zulu next.* Juliet: Just match the pieces together, love! Like a puzzle! *Romeo and Juliet pick up two corresponding pieces, and giggle at their luck, then read it.* Romeo: Are you sure you’ve got this, Juliet darling? Juliet: Certainly! I'm no genius, but riddles aren't too hard. *Romeo kisses Juliet’s cheek and she walks to the stage confident, as Watson runs him over and drops Sherlock, stirring the papers around. He catches two and shoves them at Sherlock’s face. Sherlock squints to read them.* Sherlock Holmes: Interesting… prepare for domination, challenge! *Sherlock runs off to Socrates as Watson gulps at the camera and walks off, Romeo getting up, moaning of pain, before the alliance of three teams runs him over. They look at the paper mess, then at Romeo.* Bonnie Parker: Wait up a measly minute... did you do this, boy? Romeo: No, I did not. Clyde Barrow: Then why you’s lyin’ on the ground like it? How can we trust ya after that bit on the plane? Romeo: I don’t know, maybe because you ran me over! Blackbeard: Save the sarcasm for yer elimination, yargh! Al Capone: Yeah, when we crush you! Romeo: Hmmph! When my darling Juliet wins us the challenge, I suppose you'll think otherwise! *Romeo walks off to the seating annoyed as the three piece papers together and read them. Capone, Bonnie, and Ellen walk to the stage. The camera shows Bill and Ted along with Cleopatra and Monroe arriving to the next challenge on a track in a large stadium, Cleopatra hitting the Battle Box button.* Cleopatra: “You Can Lead A Horse To Water, But You Can’t Keep Him Straight”? Looks like whoever didn’t answer the riddle has to drive a chariot, both teammates on it, around this track a full lap… without it going off the track? How do we do that? Marilyn Monroe: Sounds easy, Cleo? What're you sweating for? No, seriously, you look sad. What’s wrong? Cleopatra: Well, I-nothing. Marilyn Monroe: Just tell me, Cleo… it can’t be that bad. Cleopatra: I… I made an alliance with Caesar. Marilyn Monroe: You- you WHAT?! *Monroe glares at Cleopatra as Bill and Ted hop in a chariot, Ted at the reins.* Ted: Dude, this should be easy! *Ted looks down below in front of him on the chariot, confused.* Ted: Now, where’s the pedals? Bill: It's fine, dude! This thing still has training wheels! Ted: Oh, right! *The horse begins to wander up into the seats of the stadium, Ted panicking.* Ted: No! Bad horse! You’re supposed to stay on the track! Bill (off camera): This is one wild stallion… *The camera shows Wallace and Zulu racing each other after answering the riddle as Bruce Lee angrily yells for getting it wrong. Leonidas walks up next.* Socrates: Now, I’ve repeated it to you several times… think for a second. Leonidas: I can’t do that, man! I can’t even think about what I did to make my wife mad! Socrates: Now, that’s a problem, but- Leonidas: I know, right? Do you think you can answer me? Socrates: The questio- Leonidas: I just can’t think of an answer! Socrates: Try answering my rid- Leonidas: Like, man, what do you think? Socrates: I think NEXT! *Leonidas slumps off to the back of the line as Juliet steps up cheerfully. Romeo cheers from the seats, annoying Bonnie.* Romeo: You’ve got this, love! *Juliet waves to Romeo joyfully, Clyde pretending to gag himself behind her, Capone laughing. Socrates tells the riddle, and she answers it perfectly. She walks to the end of the stage, Romeo catching her as she jumps into his arms. Clyde pretends to puke. Capone slaps his knees in humor. Clyde's turn is next.* Socrates: So, here’s my riddle… Five pirates have found one hundred gold coins. To split it, one person must propose a plan, and at least 50% of the group must agree. If the majority disagrees, they are killed. Who ends up with their plan succeeding? Clyde Barrow: The last guy, cause no one can challenge his idea. Socrates: Wrong! Next! Clyde Barrow: HOW? There’s like, no one to answer to him! Wait, is it a her? Is it a she? Probably is! Women lead everything, hahaha! *Clyde stomps to the back while Socrates shakes his head in disappointment, and Capone steps forward.* Socrates: Answer the following: Five pirates have found one hundred gold coins. To split it, one person must propose a plan, and at least 50% of the group must agree. If the majority disagrees, they are killed. Who ends up with their plan succeeding? Al Capone: The last guy. Socrates: Nope! Next! Al Capone: Trust me, I know a pirate, that is the answer! Socrates: Next! *Capone throws his hat into the seats as Sherlock steps up. The camera cuts to Romeo and Juliet entering the chariot challenge, reading the suggestion.* Romeo: Oh dear… this can’t end well. (Confessional): Romeo and Juliet *Romeo sits on the left nervous, Juliet on the right, ready to explain.* Juliet: When Romeo was trying to get his driver’s license a few weeks ago, he made a wrong turn with the chariot and crashed the horse. Romeo: That’s not supposed to be possible! Juliet: We still haven’t paid from the lawsuit. Romeo: Horses don’t settle cheap, they’re real greedy! END CONFESSIONAL *Romeo steps onto the chariot and grabs the reins, legs trembling. Juliet hugs him to calm him down.* Romeo: I can do this… I can do this… Juliet: Just go slow with the reins, and the horse will listen. Romeo: You’re right… these are probably nice horses! *The camera zooms out as Bill and Ted run by, being chased by their horse.* Romeo: These are not nice horses! No, they most certainly aren't! *The camera cuts to Leonidas, Capone, and Clyde, all still in line to answer the questions as Sherlock and Watson follow Miley and Joan, Watson's face blank in shock. Bruce Lee is throwing stuff in the audience, Clint watching calmly.* Socrates: For the last time, there is no captain, and it is not the last person! Clyde Barrow: Well, why isn’t it the last guy? What is it, the second to last guy? *Socrates slaps Clyde, startling him.* Al Capone: Aha! Sec- *Bruce Lee jumps onto stage, shoving Capone to the ground.* Bruce Lee: One of the final two! Like I will be at the end of this show! *Bruce Lee runs off, Clint following. Clyde and Capone both answer the question right. Leonidas steps up to Socrates.* Socrates: So now that you’ve heard the answer plenty of times, just repeat what you’ve heard. Leonidas: Uh… the last guy? Socrates: Nope. Leonidas: You sure? Like, really sure? Socrates: Yep. Leonidas: Was that a “I’m sure” yep, or “you can go” yep? *Gorgo’s palm hitting her face is heard off camera. The camera cuts to a large view of the whole track, with many carts scrambled. Zach narrates.* Zach Sherwin: The majority of teams have gotten an idea of how to do the challenge, but they can’t put theory into practice. Well, except for a few. *The camera shows Romeo and Juliet slowly going around the track, Juliet still hugging Romeo, head on his shoulder, as Romeo breathes heavily, focusing on the horse and driving.* Romeo: Just about done… *Romeo and Juliet finish their rounds around the track, and hop off the chariot, cheering.* Romeo: We did it, Juliet! My beautiful rose! *Romeo hugs Juliet, then the horse. As the two run off, the horse looks at the camera confused. The camera cuts to the napkin, where Romeo and Juliet seem pleased to have finished first, only for…* Zach Sherwin: Welcome to third, you two! Romeo: Third? Zach Sherwin: The Magicians finished half an hour ago, and the scientists just came up. You barely missed them. Juliet: Oh… Zach Sherwin: Who cares, just go! *Romeo and Juliet run by. The camera cuts to Cleopatra and Monroe driving their chariot, Cleopatra nervous.* Marilyn Monroe: I’m not mad… just, you need to be smarter is all. Ask me first next time! *Caesar and Zulu pull up beside them, Zulu watching the other teams as Caesar drives.* Julius Caesar: Oh, Cleo, you seem to be unable to control your horse. Cleopatra: I-I know, okay? Julius Caesar: Easy, Cleopatra. Let me show you; just do as I do. *Caesar demonstrates for Cleopatra, calmly pulling and shaking the reins. The sun shines down on his horse, whose majestic white mane flaps in the wind, it's snowy hair glistening like ice; Caesar’s smile reflects the sunlight on his pearly teeth; Zulu watches this happen, mildly disturbed. The scene is slowed down. Cleopatra shakes nervously.* Julius Caesar: Is that easy enough, Cleo? *Cleopatra slumps down in their chariot, allowing their horse to run off. Caesar watches, genuinely concerned, but keeps going. Monroe tries to talk to Cleopatra, consulting her.* Marilyn Monroe: Cleopatra, come on! Snap out of it! Cleopatra: I don’t know anymore… he’s so hot… Marilyn Monroe: Oh, boy… *Monroe looks at the camera desperately as their horse drags them off cam. The camera cuts to Julius and Caesar stepping onto the matt.* Zach Sherwin: Fourth place, guys! Julius Caesar: Sherwin, is it alright if I go help a team out? Zach Sherwin: Considering you’ll still be on Flight A, I don’t see why no- *Caesar runs off, Zulu attempting to follow him, before giving up and walking off defeated.* Shaka Zulu: I’ll go save us seats… *sigh* Zach Sherwin: Good choice. *The camera once again shows all of the remaining contestants, sans Leonidas and Gorgo. Zach narrates as various shots play.* Zach Sherwin: Some teams manage to pull through… *Oprah and Ellen get fifth, Oprah cheering loudly, deafening Ellen, and rounding up Flight A. Beethoven and Bieber get Sixth, and high-five, starting up Flight B.* Zach Sherwin: Some teams don’t get much done at all. *Bill and Ted, Bill clinging onto the horse from it’s neck while Ted is trying very hard to keep it straight on the track, are shown.* Zach Sherwin: But one team can’t even finish the first part. *The camera cuts to Leonidas, screaming in sorrow, trying to guess the answer.* Leonidas: Oh, come on, man! Let a brother go easy! Socrates: Never! I know nothing; anyone could guess this! Just listen one more time- Gorgo: It’s the second to last guy who gets it. His plan will succeed no matter what since one half of two is 1, making him 50%. Leonidas, just say that. Leonidas: The second to last guy… Socrates: There you go! Now hurry! You may be the only ones left! Leonidas: AUGH! I'm sorry, babe! *Leonidas picks up Gorgo and carries her over his head, running to the next challenge. Getting to the suggestion box, he hits the button, reads it from the ground, and runs. Gorgo grabs the reins, eyes tearing up.* Gorgo: Why… why do I have to do this? Out of everything today, why this? Leonidas: What’s wrong, babe? Gorgo: You don’t remember? Leonidas: We’ve established, I don’t! Gorgo: Not even a little bit? Leonidas: No, sorry! But I’ve said this, like, a billion times! Gorgo: You sold my favorite horse, you dumbass! You sold Darius! My favorite horse, the one I’d had since practically I was born! You sold him to that one barn for labor! I... I'd ride him every day waiting for you, and while you were at war, we would travel the plains, running free! You don't even remember, you jerk? Leonidas: That’s it? Wait, I remember that! I got a lot of money from that! *Gorgo glares at Leonidas angrily, eyes tearing, as he goes from happy remembering the sale to embarrassed and disappointed in himself. Quickly, he tries to comfort Gorgo.* Leonidas: When we win this, babe, I’ll get you your horse back, okay? Gorgo: You better, you insensitive dick! Leonidas: Just hurry up and drive us, babe! *Gorgo glares and drives the horse, eyes still teary. The camera shows Sherlock and Watson getting seventh, and Wallace and Washington eighth. Bonnie and Clyde manage ninth. The camera shows Caesar, with Cleopatra and Monroe, racing, with Capone trying to pull their chariot up next to them, Eastwood and Lee not far behind. Bill and Ted are closing in on succeeding.* Julius Caesar: So, Cleo, just keep your hands steady… *Caesar puts his hands on Cleo’s, and shows her how to move the rein, then lets go. Cleopatra blushes.* Julius Caesar: You’ve got it… now, keep it going forward, and… turn! *Cleopatra turns the chariot sharply, flinging Caesar and her into the front-right corner. She quickly gets up to keep it going on track, blushing more. Caesar shakes his head, trying to focus. Capone and Blackbeard suddenly pull up next to them, as do Leonidas and Gorgo.* Al Capone: Cleopatra, I’m here to screw up your team! Blackbeard: This be a stick-up, ragh! By one third o' thee Rebel-Criminal-Host alliance! Starring me, Capone, Clyde, Bonnie, Oprah, and Ellen! The most secretive alliance ever! Cleopatra: WHAT? *The wind picks up in the stadium, blowing dust everywhere. In the distance, Bill and Ted make tenth, with Miley and Joan following in Eleventh.* Gorgo: Out of the way, my husband’s getting me my horse back! Leonidas: You bet it, babe! Whoo! Go Gorgo! *Leonidas and Gorgo's chariot begins to pull ahead.* Julius Caesar: Now, Cleopatra, keep your eyes ahead of you, there’s a team pulling ahead of you! *Gorgo rams their chariot into Cleopatra’s, startling Cleopatra’s horse, making them go faster. Monroe nearly falls off, but Caesar grabs her hand and quickly pulls her up; one of their wheels starts to wobble.* Al Capone: Cleopatra, before I screw your team over, I have something to say! *Monroe looks back at Capone and Blackbeard through the wind, hand around her ear, trying to understand them, while using an elbow to keep her dress down. Caesar turns to look at them, while counseling Cleopatra.* Marilyn Monroe: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SAY? Al Capone: I… Cleopatra, I l- Blackbeard: HE WANT TO DO THE BUTTSTUFF, CLEOPATRA! *Cleopatra, Monroe, and Caesar all look at Capone jaws dropped and disgusted, Bruce Lee heard laughing in the background, as Leonidas and Gorgo ride far ahead. The camera turns to show Capone, covering his face with his hand.* (Confessional): Capone and Blackbeard *Capone is on the left, hand covering his face. Blackbeard sits on the right, smiling deviously.* Al Capone: ...the buttstuff, Blackbeard? Really. The butt stuff. *Blackbeard winks at the camera with a cheeky smile.* END CONFESSIONAL Julius Caesar: Pull forward more, Cleo! Leonidas and Gorgo are going to beat us! *Leonidas smacks his butt at Cleo and Caesar, sticking out his tongue and shaking his hips. Cleopatra shakes the reins, making the horse speed up. Behind them, Bruce is heard freaking out in back, behind all the other teams.* Bruce Lee: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! Clint Eastwood: Bruce, try pulling up on the left and ramming the hell outta the Criminals. Bruce Lee: Oh, I will… I will, Clint! Those thieves will pay after what they did back in India! *Bruce Lee drives their steed faster, and it leaps at incredible speeds, pulling up right beside Capone and Blackbeard. Capone notices this, anxious. Blackbeard panics.* Al Capone: Go away! *Bruce inches their chariot closer, and their wheels touch, grinding.* Bruce Lee: You first, pesky thief! *The camera shows Zach, fists in the air, jumping in excitement.* Zach Sherwin: This is, and I mean it, the closest things have been yet! And it looks like- yes… yes! *Gorgo pulls up their chariot on the Safety Napkin, past it, and parks, and the couple jumps off, Gorgo sobbing happily into Leonidas’s chest, Leonidas tearing up himself.* Zach Sherwin: Twelfth place to the maybe-not-so-failing marriage! Leonidas: Gorgo... that was... beautiful! *sniff* *Leonidas picks Leonidas up carefully, still sobbing on his chest, and walks to the plane. A chariot kicks up a lot of dust as Cleopatra and Monroe’s chariot, as well as Caesar, pull up. The three jump off.* Zach Sherwin: Thirteenth place goes to the Queens! *Cleopatra and Monroe jump in excitement, Caesar smiling genuinely proud. Suddenly, Cleopatra runs up to him and kisses him, reeling back and hugging him, surprising him.* Zach Sherwin: Calm down, it’s just thirteenth… you’re the last team to be completely safe. And over there, look! Two teams left! *Capone, upon seeing Cleopatra kiss Caesar, stops driving, right as Lee rams his chariot into the Criminals, only breaking off a wheel of Lee’s own. Angry, he forces the horse to go faster, which it complies to happily, galloping at full speed. The wheel rolls off, causing Capone and Blackbeard’s horse to stop in place, sending their chariot into a wall and breaking it. Eastwood looks back as their chariot starts to scrape towards the edge of the track, and leans to the opposite side, laughing maniacally.* Al Capone: We have no choice, Blackbeard! Get on the horse! *The two hop on their horse, Capone in front, Blackbeard in back, galloping beyond full speed, pulling up aside Lee and Eastwood. Upon noticing this, Lee twitches angrily, trying to ram their cart into the horse to their side.* Bruce Lee: Come on, stupid horse! KILL THEM! *Capone and Blackbeard run further ahead, and Lee screams in full rage, veins pulsing.* Bruce Lee: KILL THEM NOW! DO IT! *Back at the napkin, Cleopatra notices Capone and Blackbeard coming in ahead of Lee and Eastwood. Frantically, she begins to kiss Caesar again, who still hadn’t recovered from the last one. Capone stops his horse completely upon seeing this, heartbroken. Upon the halt, Blackbeard falls off backwards, groaning in pain. Lee and Eastwood catch up, Lee laughing maniacally.* Bruce Lee: Now, to make sure there’s no recovery! *Lee punches Capone, who falls from his horse, still hypnotized in sorrow by the kiss he saw. The cart dragging and sparking with Lee and Eastwood pulls up on the Safety Napkin, Lee screaming in insanity.* Zach Sherwin: Bruce and Eastwood, you’re- Bruce Lee: EASTWOOD, WHY ARE WE LAST? Clint Eastwood: Because the riddle was- Bruce Lee: There is NO REASON WE’RE LAST! THIS IS COMPLETE BULLS- Zach Sherwin: You’re not dead last, just fourteenth! But I assure you, that you’ll do better next epis- Bruce Lee: YOU ALL WILL PAY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!? YOU WILL ALL PAY! *Cleopatra grips Caesar nervously, Monroe hiding behind Zach, who himself is disturbed at this highly legitimate threat. Eastwood puts a hand on Lee’s shoulder to comfort him, only to get smacked in the face by the back of Lee's hand, knocking him out.* Bruce Lee: RUAGGGHHH! *Sherwin quietly walks by the shrieking Lee to Capone, who’s lying on the ground next to Blackbeard, both sad.* Zach Sherwin: Now, you two, I hate to say this, but- Al Capone: I failed. Zach Sherwin: Yes, you failed. And I am saddened to say that- Al Capone: I made a deal with Clyde and Oprah, and I failed. Zach Sherwin: Yep, so sad, now you’re cut, and- Al Capone: And Cleo… she’s with Caesar… Zach Sherwin: Well, actually- Al Capone: I failed. *Zach tries to speak, only for Capone and Blackbeard’s horse to start to sit on Capone’s face. Blackbeard drags Capone out of the way, just in time. The two walk by the napkin, ashamed. Capone stops by Cleopatra, who’s hugging a still unsure Caesar.* Al Capone: How could you do this, Cleo? I thought there was something between us… Cleopatra: *giggles* ''Oh, there was ''nothing between us, trust me. *Monroe grabs Caesar’s right arm and places it around Cleopatra, trying to ward off Capone.* Al Capone: How could you do this to me? After all I did for you? Marilyn Monroe: Oh, please! All you did was get water and lose yourself a challenge! Big whoop! Al Capone: Ya know, I thought we really had a thing- *Monroe shoves Capone away as he begins crying. Blackbeard follows. Cleopatra leans her head on Caesar’s chest, giggling.* Cleopatra: So… what next, alliance? *The camera zooms in on Caesar’s face, eye twitching.* (Confessional): Caesar and Zulu *Caesar sits on the left, freaking out. Zulu sits on the right, arms crossed, smirking at the camera.* Julius Caesar: What have I gotten myself into, Zulu? This gorgeous devil is using me! Shaka Zulu: How shocking, considering that it was your intent to use her. Julius Caesar: But at the same time, what if she’s genuine? Her touch feels warm, but I know not if it is the flames of evil or passions of love! Shaka Zulu: Probably both. Either way, good job, dumbass. END CONFESSIONAL (Confessional): Cleopatra and Monroe *Cleo sits on the left, smiling while looking up at the ceiling, thinking. Monroe sits on the right, leaning towards Cleo, elbowing her and questioning her.* Marilyn Monroe: So, how was it? Cleopatra: Oh, it was amazing! I don’t know if it was the feeling from stomping Capone or embracing Caesar, but I loved it! Marilyn Monroe: You proud of yourself? Cleopatra: Oh, you bet! I’m just writhing in evil! Marilyn Monroe: So, when we going to sabotage Caesar and Zulu? Cleopatra: Wha- no! *Monroe turns to the camera annoyed.* Marilyn Monroe: Of course… END CONFESSIONAL *The camera shows Capone and Blackbeard riding their horse into the sunset.* Al Capone: My heart hurts, man. I feel like I was punched in the gut… Blackbeard: Close enough… Al Capone: I thought Cleo and I had a thing… like, we were genuine… Blackbeard: Maybe in another universe, somewhere out there, you two are a couple, matey. Al Capone: I doubt it… say, when we get home, wanna get some ice cream? Blackbeard: Only if we steal it, yargh… seriously, though, I wanna steal some stuff. *The camera shows Zach standing by the three flights in the dead of night, the lights on the planes off. The only light is his flashlight.* Zach Sherwin: Well, we’re about to hit the hay… and go on our way to the spooky England… but first, to answer some questions… will Cleo and Caesar stay a thing? How long with Leonidas and Gorgo be happy? Will the alliance succeed? Will Bill ever stop guessing? My guess is no for all, here on… the Rizachulous Race! *Zach shuts off his flashlight, laughing maniacally, before stubbing his toe on a rock and yelping. The camera cuts off.* Category:Blog posts